The secret - Communication with men

Secret #1
It is much easier for men to talk when they see the clear aim of conversation
Starting conversation with a man, do you notice him to be stressed and confused? He seems to lose control of situation, and play a game without knowing the rules. A woman is likely to start conversation with one of the following phrases:
- Let’s talk
- Dear, I think we have to discuss our relationships.

These expressions are too vague, as they don’t give any direction of conversation. This is how you give birth to men’s fear and uncertainty. He will start to argue with you, trying to postpone conversation, or to show absolute absence of interest.

Solution:
1. When you talk to a man, let him know exactly what you want. Be more concrete, give him a kind of agenda. For example:
- Dear, let’s talk tonight. We didn’t have enough time when your mum was here last week. We should discuss how to make her next visit better.
At least now he knows what it is all about, has more time to think it over, and feels more comfortable.
2. Ask him questions, but not such short-spoken ones, as: “How is your job?” The answer will be “Fine.” You’d better ask: “What about your new project, is it really as difficult as you’ve thought?”
3. Don’t use HINTS, be clear. Men prefer facts. Be sincere and direct to let him know your thoughts and express his point of view with great pleasure.

Secret #2
Man thinks to himself and gives the final answer.
Hiding his fears and uncertainty, your man will never give a rash answer, which is likely to be incorrect. He will not pronounce a word until he comes to the final decision. That’s why you may frequently hear “I need to think about it”.

Woman thinks aloud! The problem is that men direct their efforts towards the result of finding solutions, while women pay more attention to the process itself. Example: Most of women discuss daily plan during breakfast: “I have so many things to do today; during lunch I’m going to visit hairdresser and take my suit from the dry cleaner’s, then I have to meet with a new client. Oh, my god, I have an appointment with Mary at five, taxi will cost me a fortune!” Man says: “I’m married to my job.”

Man thinks that woman talks too much, he can express something in 3 words, while she needs 300. He doesn’t understand that discussing of a problem is a part of taking decision process for her; he thinks that you are not able to find solution by yourself and feels obliged to find it for you.

Solution:
1. You have to discuss this secret with him in order to make him understand what it is like to “think aloud”.
2. Don’t forget to find out whether he would like to discuss the issue now or needs time to think it over.
3. Explain that making complaints is your way to release stress and find the right solution. Otherwise, he will feel responsible for making decision for you.

Secret #3
It’s difficult for men to express their emotions.
Why is it so difficult for men to share problems with women?
In the world of emotions men lose control over situation, being not the owners of their status anymore. This feeling put their emotional state under threat, as they don’t have enough skills and experience to cope with it.

Women consider men to be insensible and insensitive. It is important to understand that men callousness is a myth. They are very sensible and sensitive creatures, sometimes even more than women are.

You expect the man to clarify his feelings as fast as you do. Most of women have faster emotional reaction, so if a man is not screaming, it doesn’t mean he has no feelings.

If you suppose that a man with high IQ is as subtle a master in expressing his feelings, as he is concerning his job, you are wrong. People should learn to improve their intellectual abilities, feelings and ways of expressing themselves.
If you want to speak the same language with your partner, be patient and lead him your way. Learn a lesson from communication with the opposite sex to achieve better results and derive pleasure from them. Understanding of these 3 secrets will help you to build better relationships in you private and everyday life.

Tropicana City - Bad Ass Coffee

How men and women don't "get it" about each other.

Very interesting article i found in physiology. Sometimes in a relationship you always need to be on your toes. Even when your partners said they believe you but sometimes its the other way round. Sometimes its difficult to tell how your partners really feels so its good to spend time communicating every once in awhile. Dont wait or postpone sharing your real feelings because once it builds up to your tolerant level, it might just diminish off the attraction level for one another.

This Story might be useful for some.....

Susan swears it wasn't an affair even though there was another man involved. It was, rather, an epiphany. And the other man? The plumber. The plumber came to fix a leaky faucet and she offered him a coffee. When they sat across from each other at the kitchen table, she talked about her life and he listened and seemed to find what she had to say interesting. He laughed at her jokes and she felt alive for the first time in a very long time. And then he left. That was all. But that was enough.
Later that afternoon, she made up her mind, "I can't do this anymore." She told Bill when he came home from work, "Bill, it's over." He was dumbfounded. He'd heard her complaints over the year but didn't take them that seriously. He thought all wives complain. He doesn't drink, he's not a womanizer, he doesn't gamble, he'd never laid a hand on her, he's home every evening, he's a good provider. Why?!?

For years she'd been trying to get his attention. Weekends, he needed to recover from his brutal week at work. He didn't want to go shopping with her. As much as he loves his kids, he didn't want to go to the zoo. He was desperate to relax and unwind. Plus, he'd brought some work home from the office.
She never understood the pressure he felt being the primary breadwinner for the family, having all that responsibility on his head. He was working like a dog to try to get ahead and sock away some security so they could have some fun. But that was for later. Much later - when he would retire. And she just couldn't wait anymore.

And then there was the issue of sex. It had long ago become a tug-of-war with him wanting more and her wanting to be left alone. He'd look across the bed at her sleeping form in the middle of the night and feel hungry, wishing he could be spontaneous and wake her up but knowing that she'd be angry and shut him down. It was humiliating for him to feel like a beggar with his own wife. It hadn't always been like that, at least not before the kids came.
On her side, she walked around feeling guilty, counting the days until she knew she'd better make time for sex or else it would cause a problem. And then, when they did it, she'd feel off the hook for a week or so, until the pressure between them built up again. She felt he didn't understand what was important to her. If only he'd be romantic, bring her a little gift or flowers, make time for her, she'd be more in the mood. Hell, even if he helped more with the kids or the housework, she'd find it easier to get turned on. But she felt resentful that he wanted her to do all the work, run the show and also to be sexy and please him.

He knew she didn't understand how important sex was for him. It wasn't just the orgasm part, it was the human contact that calmed him down and helped him feel normal so he could concentrate on work. She didn't know how distracted he could become in those long days before their infrequent sexual encounters and how it affected everything - his mood, his sleep, and even his performance at work. He hated himself for that - it made him feel like an animal - but there was no way around it. He needed sex to feel sane, to feel like a man.
Over the years, she had wanted them to go to marriage counseling but he thought it was a waste of money. Nothing was that wrong - they should try to fix it themselves. And they would try to be kinder to each other, to go out to a movie, but the resentment was just below the surface and those efforts would never last. By the time she said, "It's over," her feelings for him had dripped away until there was nothing left. She knew he was a good man and she didn't want to hurt him, but she was suffocating inside, longing for someone to talk to her, for someone to laugh with her, for someone to find her interesting and show her love. She knew Bill loved her, but it wasn't enough and once the fire had gone out in her, no amount of blowing on it could spark it up again.
So when the plumber left, she took a long hard look at herself in the mirror and realized that she wanted more out of life, that she had some good years left and that she'd reached the end of the road with Bill.

Now it was his turn to beg to go to marriage counselling. He quickly found the name of someone to see and made an emergency appointment. In the therapist's office, he told her he finally realized now how unhappy and lonely she'd been, raising the kids with him in the background. He got it now. He'll change. He meant it. But the session only served to convince her that the man sitting on the other side of the sofa was virtually a stranger and not a man she could ever desire again. It was too late.
So this is a cautionary tale. To you married men out there, take it seriously when your wife tells you that she's unhappy and needs something more. Turn to her, look her in the eye and say this, "Tell me what's on your mind." Don't immediately defend yourself or brush it off or give instant solutions. Look at her and listen to her and think to yourself, "This is important. I don't want to be like Bill."

And you married women out there, you have a role to play in helping your husband understand your frustration, but also to try to understand his reality, as well. If he doesn't listen, find a way to say it in a tone that he's more likely to respond to. He will tune you out if you talk to him only with irritation and annoyance. Reach out to him and let him know that you appreciate all he does for the family. When he feels you see his efforts, he'll be more likely to be open to your concerns.
I'm a marriage counsellor and it breaks my heart when Bill and Susan come to my office because I know that if they'd crossed my threshold a few years earlier, their marriage could have had a different outcome. A happier one, plumber or no plumber.